


Remember Me

by orphan_account



Series: Life in the Sun [9]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Amnesia, Angst, Car Accident, F/M, Fluff, Memory Loss, Pregnancy, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rose squished and curled her body on a plastic catastrophe of a chair, trying and failing to rest her anxiety-riddled mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Searching for the Sun" from Rose's POV

Rose squished and curled her body on a plastic catastrophe of a chair, trying and failing to rest her anxiety-riddled mind. Her brain seemed determined to overclock itself even though her twenty-weeks pregnant body was woefully exhausted. In her turmoil, she had worn her thumbnail down to the bloody quick, twirled her hair into angry knots, and allowed her throat to become miserably parched. But she wasn’t shifting one millimeter from this spot, no matter how cramped and numb her limbs were; not until her husband opened his eyes again. 

Four agonizing hours ago, she had gotten the call no wife would ever want to receive: The Doctor had been in a car accident and been rushed to the hospital in critical condition. She had just finished up her appointment at the prenatal anatomy screening, blissfully delighted to be expecting a baby boy, when her mobile had rung and her world had shattered around her.

After a frantic voicemail to her mum, Rose had floored it to the emergency room, cursing at the other drivers’ inability to find the accelerator. She had hoped to see the Doctor’s beautiful blue eyes, one little glimpse of reassurance that he was fine, that he hadn't been as badly injured as she feared. But her breath had caught in her throat when she had finally been called from the waiting room to his bedside. A physician had laid a comforting hand on her shoulder, explaining how the Doctor had been knocked unconscious when his head had slammed into the driver-side window. The seatbelt had bruised his ribcage and he’d need surgery on a broken leg. But before they wheeled him to the operating room, they had wanted to give him a little more time to wake up.

And then she had been left alone with a man who couldn't be the Doctor. The Doctor was full of life. The Doctor would never look like this — eyes firmly shut, leg broken, and lying disturbingly immobile in a hospital bed. Trying to disprove the evidence before her eyes, she had taken his limp fingers in her own. The familiar ridges of his palm had molded into their rightful place along hers and she'd crumpled into a sobbing heap on the floor.

Rose rubbed her puffy eyelids and shifted around on the chair again. There was no use in trying to get any rest. Even if her mind wasn’t swirling at a million miles an hour, the constant beep and buzz of the various machines in the room were slowly grating on her nerves.

And then, suddenly, Rose heard the most wonderful sound in the world over the cacophonous symphony of medical equipment.

“What in the bloody…” the Doctor mumbled and groaned, blinking his eyes open and lifting a hand to his temple.

“Doctor! Oh, my God, you’re awake!” Rose hastily slid out of the chair and flew the small distance across the room.

“Yes, a doctor might be a good idea— oof!”

Forgetting he had been injured, too relieved to see him moving, Rose practically threw herself onto him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She briefly sobbed into his neck, but when the Doctor winced in pain, she immediately pulled back, terrified she had injured him further.

“Oh, m’sorry! Did I hurt you?” she fretted, eyes darting over his pinched face. “I’ll ask for more pain meds.”

The Doctor flinched and blinked rapidly as she pulled back to cradle his cheeks. “I don’t think you did any damage, no.”

As his brow wrinkled in confusion, he removed her hands from his face and looked over her shoulder. Rose internally chastised herself as his face grew troubled; he probably had no idea how he ended up in the hospital!

Just as she was about to fill him in, her husband looked at her as if he were registering her presence for the first time. “Are you the nurse? Can you tell me what happened?”

“Nurse?” Rose felt her pulse quicken, troubled by his misidentification. But she imagined she would be temporarily confused if she had woken up in the same harsh surroundings.  “Doctor, you were in an accident. You don’t remember?”

He glanced over her shoulder again, searching the room. Then he arched his brow at her, an expression he only wore when dealing with, in his words, _a_ _stupid, bloody ape_. “Did you call me ‘Doctor’? Not a physician, me. Any chance you could get my doctor?” 

“What? John, I always call you ‘Doctor’.”

Alarmed by his disorientation, Rose took the Doctor's hand, but he immediately shook her off.

“Oi!” he protested. “Look, who are you? How do you know me?”

Mouth open in shock, she tried to reach for him again, but he scooted away from her.

“And would you stop fondlin’ me?!” he raged.

Rose’s hand fell limply by her side and she watched in a daze as a nurse entered the room, summoned by the Doctor's angry voice. Before Rose could ask the nurse what was wrong with her husband, why he hadn’t recognized her, she had left the room to fetch his physician.

For several terrifying moments, the Doctor simply stared at her. He’d never looked at her like this before, like she was a stranger that was ruining his day. His lip curled as if he were about to reprimand her again, but then the physician walked into the room and the Doctor's steely eyes released their hold on her.

“Ah, Mr. Smith!” the physician greeted, the only smile in the room. “We’re so happy to see you awake. Head injuries are tricky. We didn’t know if you would be out for days or not. I’m sure Mrs. Smith is relieved to see you up!”

“Be out from what?! Would someone tell me how I got here?” the Doctor snapped and threw his arms in the air, tugging on the I.V. line. “And who in the bloody hell is Mrs. Smith?!”

Rose gasped and sank back down into the horrid plastic chair. The nurse laid a hand on her shoulder, offering her a small bit of comfort, but she barely registered the gesture. Her husband, the love of her life, didn’t know who she was? This couldn’t be happening. With a heavy swallow, she discreetly pinched her wrist nearly hard enough to draw blood, but she remained in her nightmare.

The physician looked between the married couple with a worried frown. “You don’t know who Mrs. Smith is?”

“Unless the ghost of my mother is in this room, then no,” the Doctor snarked.

With a queasy feeling in her stomach, Rose meekly asked, “Doctor, what’s the last thing you remember?”

He didn’t acknowledge her for several moments. Finally realizing she was talking to him, he turned to her with a murderous glare.

“Why do you keep callin’ me ‘Doctor’? Name’s John;  that’s the doctor.” He stabbed an angry finger at the real physician in the room. “What’s the matter with you? Who the hell  _ are _ you?” 

Rose was sure her heart stopped beating as her husband’s blue eyes pierced right through her, rooting her to the spot with a malice he had never directed at her. There had been a few awful moments in the past when she had witnessed his temper, when he had been blinded by rage and lost to reason; it happened to everyone. But he’d  never, not once since she’d met him, so much as raised his voice at her. Her mum had likened the Doctor to a tiger: snarling at the rest of the world but a purring ball of fluff with his wife. 

He was like an ominous crack of thunder from an oncoming storm.

Trying and failing to find her voice as the Doctor continued to stare daggers at her, Rose’s vision swam with petrified tears — she was suddenly afraid of her own husband. Muffling a sob in her hand, she instinctively wrapped a protective arm around her belly — around his son.

The Doctor's eyes traveled to his hand, mouth gaping at the ring on his finger.

The physician cleared his throat in the growing silence. “Mr. Smith,  _ that’s _ Mrs. Smith.” He pointed at Rose. “Your wife.” 

“What?!” the Doctor bellowed, face contorting in revulsion.

The venom in his voice punched Rose in the gut. Unable to properly breathe with the tears clogging her throat, she stood and fled the room. Feeling as though she might be sick, she blindly navigated the hallways until she finally found the loo. Her knees cracked against the tile floor as she collapsed by the stark-white bowl, dry-heaving into the stale water.

~*~

After splashing cold water on her face, Rose left the loo and loitered in the halls, unsure of what to do. She was too afraid to go back, too terrified of the vacant expression on the Doctor's face. Paralyzed by indecision, she stumbled into a tiny waiting room and folded herself into the closest chair.

She drew her knees to her chest as close as her baby bump would allow and squeezed her eyelids so tightly her muscles twitched in protest. Maybe if she concentrated, focused on the picture-perfect happy family they had been just this morning, she'd wake from the night terror that had ensnared her.

With a shallow breath, Rose opened her eyes, greeted by the interlacing fabric of her denim instead of the cotton of her bedsheets.

Panic threatened to take control of her mind but she fought it. It took all of her willpower to not collapse into another round of tears, to forget the way the Doctor had looked at her with no love in his eyes. For all she knew, the memory problem wasn't as bad as it had appeared, that he'd remember her as soon as she walked back into the room. And then, after the anguish of this day was healed with time, they'd be laughing about the Doctor's brief brain-malfunction over a pint with Jack.

_ Jack _ !  

Rose cursed and straightened in the chair, frantically yanking her mobile out of her pocket. In the chaos, she'd forgotten to alert their best friend of the Doctor's accident. She cursed again as the line went to voicemail, reluctantly leaving the news of the Doctor's condition in a message. But she left out the bit about his memory, still holding onto the hope that it wasn't permanent.

As soon as she ended the call, Rose's mobile rang in her palm.

“Hi, Mum,” she mumbled.

“Rose!” Jackie practically screamed and Rose winced. “Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! Had my mobile in the bedroom! Are you at the hospital? Is John alright?”

“He's ok, yeah,” Rose assured her. “Broken leg, likely concussion, and he's all bruised. But he's alive.” The last word came out strangled and she lifted her eyes to the ceiling, blinking away the moisture.

“Oh, thank God,” Jackie praised and let out a relieved breath. “I just put highlights in Bev’s hair. Let me pop the foil off, giv’er a quick rinse and I'll be right over.”

“Don't rush, Mum, there's not much you can do anyway. Go on and finish Bev's hair.” The last thing Rose wanted right now was her mother making a fuss.

“Are you sure, sweetheart? Have you eaten?”

“M’fine, Mum. I ate,” she lied, not wanting a lecture for skipping a meal or two.

“Ok. Be there in a jiff. Love you!”

“Love you, too.”

Rose hung up with a weary sigh and dropped her head in her hands.

“Is this seat taken?”

The sudden voice in the quiet startled Rose, and she dropped her hands to find an older gentleman staring at her, waiting for an answer.

“No, all yours.” She waved at the seat beside her in invitation.

“Brilliant, thank you.” He grinned politely and eased down, taking a sip from a complimentary cup of tea.

“Waiting for a loved one?”

“Something like that, yeah,” she murmured. “You?"

“My wife took a bit of a tumble down the stairs. She’s getting a scan now. Hoping she didn't break a hip.”

“I'm so sorry.”

“It's alright. She’ll probably forget the fall within a few days. I’ve gotta keep a closer eye on her when she’s doing the washing.”

Rose pursed her lips in confusion. “Forget?”

He nodded slowly, his earlier smile tightening. “She has Alzheimer's, fairly advanced.”

“That must be difficult.”

“Sometimes, yeah.” A frown briefly pulled at the lines in his face, but then he brightened and shook his head with a chuckle. “Hasn't slowed her down one bit though. We go on more adventures now than when we were younger. Only difference is, most of the time she thinks I'm just the tour guide. Bit of a gob, me. Tend to go on and on. But it makes her smile.”

“It doesn't bother you that she can't remember you?”

“I'd be lying if I said it didn't,” he agreed, tugging slightly at his ear. “But, I remember for her. I tell her stories about us and she just lights up, thinking they're romance novels. It's actually better that she doesn't remember. On the rare occasion that she becomes lucid, she's just in pain. She hates knowing that she's forgotten me. I tell her it's ok, that I still love her as much as I did the first time I took her hand… but it devastates her.”

“I'm sorry.”

He shrugged and sipped his tea. “Nothing we can do to stop it. But she's still my wife and I'll love her forever.”

Rose swallowed, the man’s story hitting too close to her current turmoil. “You're very strong.”

“Not really.” A tender smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Loving her is the easy part.”

“Mr. McCrimmon?” A nurse poked her head in the waiting room, interrupting their conversation.

“That'll be me.” He stood and waggled his fingers at her. “Good luck with your loved one.”

Rose returned his wave with a friendly grin. “You, too.”

As the older man and the nurse left, Rose sagged in her chair, suddenly consumed with guilt. Her husband was hurt, confused, and alone — and she had left him. She stood and strode back to his room, steeling her nerves against whatever temperament she found him in.

As Rose inched closer to the Doctor’s room, she heard Jack’s voice. Some of the tension lessened in her shoulders. It would help to see a face that knew her, that would smile when she returned. But what she wanted more than anything was to walk in there and see the Doctor beam at her, to say he was sorry for yelling, to stroke her belly in delight.

“Remember me. Remember me,” Rose whispered to herself, a quiet prayer and plea to the universe.

She rolled her shoulders and blew out a breath, stepping into the room with a cautious smile. But the grin dropped from her face as she caught the tail end of the Doctor’s angry tirade.

“I never wanted any of this marriage and babies rubbish!” he snarled.

As the Doctor banged a fist on the bed in frustration, his gaze locked onto hers in the doorway. He was visibly angry, but his eyes softened minutely as if he were sorry she had heard him.

“Rosie!” Jack greeted brightly, striding quickly across the room to gather her into a hug. When his arms went around her, he quietly asked, “Are you alright?”

She shook her head and returned his embrace. “No.”

“He says he can’t remember the last four years.”

“Four?” The news eroded any optimism she had managed to scrounge together in the last few minutes.

“I’m so sorry. I tried to fill him in.” Jack sighed and pulled back to cradle her face in comfort. “You never know. Maybe he’ll be better by the end of—”

“Oi!” the Doctor shouted, cutting off Jack’s reassurances. “Hands off the blonde!”

Rose and Jack instantly swiveled to stare at him. There was only one time they had heard the Doctor utter that particular threat; the night Rose had met Jack. Had his memories returned?

Hope swelled in her heart, and Rose offered him a shy grin. “Doctor?”

Instead of returning her smile, he paled.

“No. No, no, no,” the Doctor chanted, forcefully shaking his head.

He ranted and raved, chastising her for calling him ‘Doctor’, insisting he was not her husband, that she wasn’t carrying his child. With every hateful barb he tossed at her, Rose shrank back, folding in on herself and cradling her arms around her stomach.

“You’re both barmy!” he continued to shout. “And this is all wrong and I—”

Chest heaving, he suddenly stopped and glowered at her. His eyes searched her face before falling to her belly, refusing to accept any of the evidence presented to him.

His hands began to tremble. His breathing increased. He was in the middle of a panic attack. Rose hadn’t had to coach him through one in years but, if she remembered his signs correctly, he was perilously close to fainting now.

“I have to go.” The Doctor flailed and tugged at the sheets surrounding him in an attempt to stand.

“No, don’t get up!” Rose warned him.

But her protest fell on deaf ears. As Rose and Jack rushed toward him, the Doctor tried to stand and immediately slumped onto the floor. Alarms pierced the air as he tugged at leads from several machines and monitors.

As quickly as her pregnant belly allowed, Rose crouched beside him. “John, look at me.”

Gasping for air, his eyes drifted toward her.

“Breathe in through your nose,” she instructed calmly. “One… two… three…”

Rose smiled in relief as he followed her count and drew air in his chest. “Good. Breathe out through your mouth. One… two… three…”

His exhale was shaky, but he was already doing better.

Several nurses entered the room. “Ma’am, we’ll take it from here.”

Jack helped Rose off the floor and they shuffled to the corner to keep out of the way. As she watched them help the Doctor stand and then assess his condition, Rose wrung her hands in front of her, hoping he hadn’t hurt himself. She sagged in relief when his nurse deemed him unharmed and left to inform the physician of his fall.

Jack glanced at his watch and cursed. “I’m late for work. Sorry, John, I gotta go. I’ll be back later though, yeah?”

“Yeah, alright.” The Doctor gave a brusque nod as he straightened his sheets.

Jack turned to Rose with a concerned frown and rubbed her shoulders. “Rosie, call me if you need anything.  _ Anything _ . Alright?” 

She smiled slightly in acknowledgment and Jack kissed her forehead before leaving the room.

Bracing herself to be alone with her husband, Rose drew a calming breath and took the seat by his bedside. He offered her no comfort, scowling at his hands instead.

“Here. Could you take this?” he grumbled.

Rose met his eye and gaped at the wedding ring held in front of her nose.

“I just… I can’t deal with it right now. Please, take it.”

The panic in his voice was palpable. Swallowing down any objection or tears of betrayal, Rose gently took the ring and slid it onto her thumb.

She had no idea what to say to him. What did you say to your husband, who had suddenly forgotten he was your husband, after he had thrust his wedding ring at you? But, even if he had forgotten his vows,  _ she _ hadn’t — she had pledged to stay by his side for the rest of his life. 

Yet, she had run from him at the first hint of chaos. Blinking back tears of guilt, Rose apologized, “M’sorry I ran out earlier.”

“No worries.” He paused and shifted uneasily on the bed. “So… what’s your last name?”

“Smi—” She cut herself off and sighed. “Tyler. Rose Marion Tyler.”

“Rose Marion Tyler.” There was no hint of recognition as he uttered her name. “Jack said we met at Henrick’s?”

Recalling the treasured moment, she smiled. “Yeah, I used to work there.”

“And what was I doin’ there?”

“Oh, you know, shoppin’ and knockin’ over displays. Same as the rest of us.” She giggled but abruptly stopped as he failed to react.

Uncomfortable silence filled the air.

“Prone to panic attacks, me. Sorry for fallin’ down and barin’ my arse to the world.” He chuckled softly.

The sound of his laughter was a blessing to her ears, but she frowned, troubled by his relapse. “I know. You haven’t had one in years, though.”

“Really? Huh.” His eyes fell to her stomach again. “So, um… How's the… baby?”

“Good, yeah. Perfectly healthy.” She smiled and was thrilled to see a small grin appear on his face. “I was on my way to the anatomy screenin’ when you had your… accident. When you didn’t show, I figured you had gotten stuck at work.”

“At work... at the University?”

“Yeah, you teach physics. And do a  ton of research. You go on and on about it.” She’d give anything to hear a lecture from him right now. “M’sorry this is all new for you. Not quite sure how to act around you now.” 

“M’sorry I don’t remember you.”

“It’s hardly your fault.” She instinctively reached for his hand but remembered his earlier objections and chewed on her thumb instead.

“I’d like to remember you,” he cautiously admitted.

Her eyes flew to his, relieved to hear his interest in her instead of the contempt he had spewed over the unwanted marriage. What was she supposed to do, though? Recount every second of the past four years?

“Not quite sure where to start.” Hoping photos would spark his memory, she pulled her mobile out of her pocket. “But I can show you some pictures? If you want?”

“Yeah, alright.”

She spent several minutes flipping through photos on the screen but, every time she glanced at his face, looking for any hint of recognition, her heart ached at the blank apathy etched in his features. And then, near the end of the camera roll, was a snapshot of their wedding day. It had been taken just after he had said the most beautiful words to her about her smile being like the sun. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at it now, his face in the photo a stark contrast to the hateful snarl he had thrown at her just a few hours ago.

Would he ever look at her like that again? Like she was the light in the dark?

It was too painful to see her husband on the screen, the one that loved her to the ends of the earth, when the husband sitting next to her had no idea who she was.

She turned the screen off and tucked the mobile back in her pocket. “Sorry, this is probably a bit much all at once.”

“For me or you?” he asked.

Unsure of the answer, she wiped the few tears that had collected in her eyes. Crying would not get them through this. If she had any hope of getting her doting husband back, she had to be strong and soldier on. This day could have been much worse — she could have lost him.

“Guess we’ll just do this one day at a time, yeah?” Rose suggested.

He shrugged. “Yeah, guess so.”

“I’ll try and fill you in on everything you’ve forgotten. For as long as it takes.”

The Doctor’s gaze swept over her as if she were an experiment he needed to solve. The longer he stared at her, the more unsettled he seemed to become over not knowing the answer.

He paled slightly again. “And what if ‘for as long as it takes’ turns out to be forever?”

She wanted to say she had already promised him forever, but she feared it would send him into another panic attack. “Then I s’pose we’ll just have to get to know one another all over again.”

“You’d do that for me?” he asked, incredulous. “Why?”

Although the day was swarming in complicated, there was a very simple answer to his query. “Because I love you.”

The Doctor stared at her and she held his gaze, imploring him to hear the truth of her statement. She couldn’t begin to guess what the future would bring, but her love would never wane.

Needing to feel a small bit of normality in the chaos thrust upon them, Rose inched her hand towards his. Her heart soared as he accepted her palm and, just as she had countless times in the past, she threaded their fingers together. A hopeful smile stretched across her face and he returned it, filling her with the strength to carry on.   



	2. Chapter 2

Even though the Doctor had forgotten the past four years, Rose noticed some of his usual quirks still remained intact. Whether he realized it or not, he still insisted on walking so close to her he appeared to be attached to her hip. On more than one occasion, she had caught his hand unconsciously reaching for hers, seeking the comfort of their near-constant habit, but then he’d drop his arm in confusion. She had been pleasantly surprised when he had finally scrounged up the courage to twine their fingers together while watching telly, a nightly ritual she would have sorely missed. 

There had been several setbacks, which was to be expected, but not nearly as many as Rose had feared. When he’d first arrived in the flat, she had peeked on him as he surveyed the changes, frowning in disappointment when he’d barely acknowledged the nursery. He’d scared her again when he’d exploded over his relocated tea supplies and when he’d become frustrated with learning new faces. But he had apologized each time, visibly guilty for having unleashed his temper on her.

She still couldn’t stop laughing over his face when he had taken an ill-advised bite of a pear; it was the exact same look of shock and horror he’d had when her mum had introduced herself to him with a slap.

In some ways, it felt as though they were in the awkward stages of a new relationship. Which, Rose supposed, for the Doctor it was. Although she missed the intimacy of cuddling in bed, she’d had to suppress schoolgirl giggles every time she had caught him trying to be discreet while observing her. To have her own husband wooing her, acting like he had to win her over even though they were married, was both odd and thrilling.

It gave her hope for the future, especially when he suddenly remembered how she liked her tea.

“This is perfect,” Rose said, taking another sip of the expertly mixed combination of tea, sugar, and milk. She eyed him warily, wondering if he wanted to continue with the lesson. He had become angry when he’d not known a single face among the sea of people in her tablet presentation.

The Doctor smiled shyly at her from across the table, delighted he had managed to do something right. But then his face screwed up in a frown.  “Sorry for losin’ my temper. M’sure Donna and everyone else are very nice people.”

“Actually, you reacted pretty much the same when you first met Donna.” Rose couldn't help but grin as she remembered the hilarious encounter.

“And she’s my friend now?” He rubbed his face in thought and startled at the scruff on his cheek. “By the way, when did I decide to grow a beard?”

“Um…” Rose blushed hotly, remembering how she had commented ages ago that she liked how it felt against her thighs. “You kept it after I said it was sexy.”

For a few unnerving moments, the Doctor stared at her as though she were a treat he desperately wanted to gobble up, forbidden fruit he didn’t realize he was allowed to have. “Guess I’ll keep it then.”

Butterflies swarmed her chest and Rose quickly took a sip from her mug before she launched herself at him. He hadn’t kissed her in two weeks and the lack of contact paired with her steadily climbing pregnancy hormones were a cocktail for madness. It was particularly distracting when he scratched his fingers through his beard, ignorant of the effect it had on her libido.

She met his eye over the rim of her teacup and suppressed a violent shiver as he winked at her. But she couldn’t hold back a girlish giggle this time, biting her lip to stop the ridiculous, bashful smile tugging the corners of her mouth. Delighted goosebumps erupted on her skin as she watched his gaze travel from her mouth, to her neck, and towards her chest.

Rose was two seconds away from saying,  Sod it , and mounting his lap when something kicked her ribs. 

“Oh!” She dropped her mug and clutched both hands to her stomach.

“What, what is it?” the Doctor exclaimed, reaching for her in concern.

Little nudges and wiggles tickled her from the inside, and Rose smiled in wonder. “Oh, my God! You have to feel!”

Forgetting that the sight of the nursery had unsettled him, that he had barely acknowledged the existence of the baby, that he hadn’t even asked if it was a boy or a girl, Rose snatched the Doctor’s hand and pressed his palm over her belly. Their son fluttered inside, growing bigger and stronger by the day in his little cocoon.

“Blimey, that’s weird. That’s the first kick!” She marveled at the alien sensation in her gut, eager to meet the tiny life they had created. “Did you feel it?”

Instead of seeing a father glowing in delight and pride to feel his unborn child, Rose was greeted by pale-faced panic. The Doctor yanked his hand off her, nearly tripping over his injured leg as he scrambled up and away on his crutches.

She watched him go, too shocked to follow.

The sting of rejection pierced her heart and gut. This was supposed to have been a joyous moment, one of many firsts they would experience over the course of her pregnancy, but it had instantly become a catastrophe.  

She battled the tears that threatened to overflow, reminding herself that he didn’t mean to be heartless. It would be wrong of her to be bitter over his reaction, no matter how easy the impulse was. For him, this was new. He’d woken up barely two weeks ago, suddenly a husband and father. She couldn’t imagine the turmoil he was fighting every second.

Reminding herself to be patient, Rose stood and located him by the light peeking under the closed loo door. She knocked softly. “Doctor? M’sorry, I didn’t think… Can you come out?”

He didn’t answer.

“Please?” she pleaded, swiping at the moisture forming on her lashes. “At least so I know you’re ok?”

Silence.

Not wanting to frighten him further, Rose muffled a sob in her palm. “Ok, um, think I’ll go to bed. M’knackered…” She hid another sniff. “I really am sorry.”

Blinded by tears, she padded to the bedroom, numbly stripping and pulling on a pair of pajamas. She didn’t remember climbing into bed, but she was suddenly sobbing into her pillow, unable to hold herself together any longer.

The ache in her gut that had been slowly eroding her insides since his accident, chipping at the precarious facade of strength she had forced herself to erect, exploded into an anguish she hadn’t felt since her dad had died. Her chest convulsed with every breath as she struggled to draw air through her swollen nose and tear-clogged throat. Each new tide of tears burned her eyelids, bathing and evaporating in a continuous wave, coating the fragile skin with its salty residue.

How was she supposed to do this? She loved him with every fiber of her being, but he no longer looked at her like she hung the moon and stars. She missed his dopey grin, the absolutely ludicrous display of teeth he reserved just for her. She felt colder every day that passed and he didn’t embrace her, swaddling his arms around her to plant goofy kisses on the ticklish patch of skin below her ear.

His wedding ring suddenly felt heavy on her thumb, mocking her with its presence — her husband was gone.

Rose heard the creak of the floorboards as the Doctor approached the bedroom and she smothered her face in her pillow, silencing her cries.

“Rose?” He tapped the door and barely poked his head in. “I’m sorry.”

Willing him away, she wrapped the sheet over her head. “S’alright.”

“No, it’s really not,” he protested. “I’m bein’ a prat — a huge, giant prat, and you’re just tryin’ to help. How can I make it up to you?”

Every cell in her body yearned to scream at him, to command him to hold her, to love her, to remember her.

Her eyes flicked to his silhouette in the crack of the door, to the man that was and was not her Doctor, and her tears overflowed. “I just want my husband back.”

He didn’t say anything and the silence suffocated her.

“Goodnight, John.”

Rose rolled away from him and pulled the sheets over her head to go to sleep.

But she couldn’t stop obsessing over one, tiny detail; what if he  _ never _ accepted the baby? What if he decided he was happier alone, that he didn’t need her or their son to survive, and left them? If he never regained the four-year gap in his memories, would he ever want her again? 

~*~

The next morning, Rose forced her swollen eyes open, feeling like the world’s most horrid wife. Her husband had been in an accident, had broken his leg and lost his memories, had nearly  _ died _ , and she’d acted like a blubbering four-year-old who’d spilt her milk. 

After doing the bare minimum to get ready for her last day of work, Rose tiptoed into the living room. The Doctor was still asleep on the sofa and, judging from the blanket tangled around his torso, had also tossed and turned during the night. She fought the impulse to curl up with him, to kiss him awake and beg forgiveness for acting like a selfish cow, and gathered her things on her way out the door.

While she drove herself to the university, Rose’s thoughts circled to the kind, older man at the hospital. Even though his wife had Alzheimer's, he had been surprisingly cheery. She wished she were that optimistic about her future with her spouse. What if the Doctor was never able to make new memories or never regained to ones he had lost? Logically, she knew he wasn’t suffering from the same condition as the other woman, but she couldn’t help her spike of dread.

But what that man had said, in its beautiful simplicity, rang true — the easy part was loving him.

Just because he didn’t remember their beginning, didn’t mean they couldn’t have a happy ending. The time he had lost would live on forever in her soul, and she could spend every day of the rest of their life telling him their stories over and over again until they were cemented into his mind as firmly as a true memory.

And she knew him better than anyone. She chastised herself for her fears of abandonment the previous night. Although he may not feel a sense of duty right now, he would. He was that kind of man, the kind that stood by you when the going got tough. She knew in her heart that his devotion to her ran deep and, based on the longing she had witnessed in his eyes over the rim of her teacup, he would eventually fall back in love with her — she just had to wait.

Finally at work, she stepped out of her car, determined to do better from this moment forward. She’d be the wife he married whether he remembered or not.

As soon as she stepped foot into Donna Noble’s office, the fiery red-haired woman narrowed her eyes in concern. “Alright, blondie?”

Rose sighed and hung her things on the coat rack. “No, not really.”

Frowning, Donna stood from her desk and swept her into a hug. “I told you, you didn’t need to come in. I can train Lee on my own.” She pulled back and fixed Rose’s stray blonde strands like a mother-hen. “Seriously, you’ve been through enough.”

Although she appreciated the concern, Rose shook her head. “S’ok. I could use the break.”

“Are you sure?” Rose nodded and Donna relented. “Ok. Lee should be here any moment. Go on and grab yourself a cup of tea. You look like you could use it.”

Taking her boss’s suggestion, Rose fixed herself the warm beverage, lazily stirring sugar and milk into her mug. Her brain swam with ways to apologize to the Doctor. She’d have to be more mindful of his anxiety over the baby until he, hopefully, became more comfortable with the idea of fatherhood. Until then, she could start simple, really pretend they were dating again… maybe even make him a banana pudding like she had on the first night she’d moved in.

Rose plastered a smile on her face when Lee arrived and occupied her swirling mind with the uncomplicated task of showing him the ropes of the workplace. It didn’t take long, and when she was nearly done, she was startled to see Jack walking towards her.

Donna groaned and straightened from her crouch by a filing cabinet. “What do you want, Captain Innuendo?”

“Aww, can’t a guy visit his favorite ginger?” Jack wrapped her in a friendly hug and whispered a few words in her ear.

Remarkably, Donna released Jack with a broad smile. Rose wrinkled her nose in confusion; Donna didn’t normally look so elated to see him.

Even more perplexing, Donna turned the same giddy grin her way. “Oh, Rose? Before you go, I need you to go to the planetarium.”

Rose arched a brow. “Why?”

“I just remembered, Dr. Tucker has a few books for you to take home to John.”

“And he’s in the planetarium?”

“Yes.” Donna nodded excitedly and grasped her gently on the shoulders, ushering her out the office door. “Off you pop, quick like a bunny. He said he’d only be there until half-past twelve. Won’t take you but a mo’. I’ll finish up with Lee.”

Glancing back and forth between Donna and Jack’s unnervingly wide smiles, Rose furrowed her brow and shrugged, deciding she didn’t have the stamina to question their suspicious behavior.

As she walked the university halls, she hoped the books would lift John’s spirits. Maybe he’d even read a few bits to her this evening like he had done numerous times in the past. Most of the complicated terminology flew right over her head, but he had always delighted in simplifying the terms for her and lavishing a ridiculous amount of praise when she had understood.

Sighing with longing, Rose arrived at the planetarium and pushed open the double doors.

“Hello?” she called out, looking for any sign of Dr. Tucker. But instead of the notoriously grumpy professor, Rose froze when her eyes landed on her husband standing at the controls. “John?”

Her pulse fluttered at the light in his eyes, at the first glimpse of true recognition she’d seen from him since that fateful day when he’d left the flat with a kiss and promise to see her soon.

Smiling, he limped toward her. “About four years ago, I knocked you over. Terribly rude, me. But then I took your hand and told you to run. Best decision of my life.”

With a strangled sob, Rose ran, nearly crashing into him in her urgency to hold him. She dimly registered one of his crutches falling to the floor, but she didn’t care. Her heart unclenched as his arm wrapped around her back, and she clung to him, vaguely wondering if she was re-injuring his tender ribs. But he didn’t wince or protest so she burrowed her tears into his neck.

“Oh, Rose!”

She cried harder at the tender way he uttered her name.

He clutched her tighter. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“W-why are you s-sorry?” she stuttered and leaned back far enough to look at him properly. “You were in an accident! I almost lost—” She choked on the word and settled her head back against his chest, unable to speak through the thick tears.

As he gently lowered her to sit with him on the floor, comforting her when she should have been comforting him, Rose hated herself even more for her reaction the previous night. She should have known he’d blame himself when (or if) he remembered. Still struggling to talk, she attempted to erase his guilt through osmosis, sending him forgiving thoughts through her fingers while she rubbed circles across his back.

The hole in her heart filled as the Doctor laid a loving palm on her belly and caressed the gentle swell like he had the morning of his accident.

He sniffed harshly. “Did you find out… that day… Boy or girl?”

Elated to hear the love in his voice, the excitement over his little bundle of joy, she took the hand stroking her stomach and twisted their fingers together. “Boy.”

And then his lips were on hers even though they were coated in a thick film of tears. Needing him closer, she gently nudged his neck and smooshed their lips even tighter together. She never wanted to stop kissing him, quickly becoming drunk on the taste of him after a two-week prohibition. Too soon, he pulled away and rested his forehead on hers.

“I forgot you,” he whispered in anguish.

“It’s ok,” she said, immediately lifting her fingers to stop the protest she knew would come. “If you’d never remembered, you would’ve just gotten to know me again. And the memories you’d lost? They were never gone — I would’ve always remembered for the both of us.”

He swooped down and took her lips in his once more and Rose lifted her hands to cradle his face, unwilling for him to stop kissing her this time. She bit back a moan as he trailed nibbles from her mouth to her jaw then to her neck. But before he reacquainted himself with the ticklish patch below her ear, he dropped his head on her shoulder. Needing to stay connected to him, Rose scratched her fingers through his hair, delighted to be allowed to touch him again.

“I don’t know how to make it up to you,” he mumbled. “I was a complete and utter arse.”

“You don’t have to do anything. Havin’ you back is enough for me.”

“Not for me. I got you something on the way here.” The Doctor straightened and reached into his pocket to pull out a new jewelry box. Rose’s eyes widened as he popped open the lid, presenting her engagement ring to her on a delicate, silver chain. “I know you’re nervous to have this on your finger. But I thought, if it were on a necklace, you could wear it every day without havin’ to worry as much.” Her eyes watered again as he held it up and gently clasped it around her neck. “Plus, now it’s over your heart — where it belongs.”

With a watery smile, she cupped his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The Doctor took her hand and kissed her palm. He cradled her hand in his lap and stared at her fingers with a frown. “I mean it — I’ll do  anything . We can go anywhere, travel wherever you’d like. I’ll buy you anything you want. D’you want to renew our vows? I’ll put on the monkey suit again and—” 

As he babbled, Rose followed his frustrated gaze to her thumb; she was still wearing his wedding ring.

“Would you hush?” She slid the band off and held it out for him. “All I need is for you to put this back on.”

Rose beamed as he smiled at her, the absolutely ludicrous, toothy one she had sorely missed, and put his wedding ring back on with a flourish — her husband was back.

“That’s better!” he exclaimed, pressing a kiss to her temple. “I love it when you smile — you’re my little ray of sunshine.”

She laughed and laid a palm on her tummy. “You’re about to have another.”

“Fantastic,” he declared, sealing his mouth over hers once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the day's reposting spam. This is everything. Thanks for your patience during this crazy time.


End file.
